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Monday, January 7, 2013

Sickness, Suckness!

Trent and I are attempting to climb out of the depths of a dreadful sickness that seems to be running around these parts. Our friend Thayne, who is usually pretty hale and hearty, has also been bitten by this bug, which he refers to as The Madness. I find that name to be pretty apt. Since I find that trying to get some humor out of these situations can speed the recuperative process, I am going to attempt just that, finding some humor in it.

Day One: Cough intermittently, knowing that this is how it started one day earlier for your husband. Feel the little campfire beginning to burn in your chest and realize that your moments of feeling okey-dokey are slipping through your fingers. Know that tomorrow will probably suck. Eat a decent meal while you have the chance. Take some flu medicine and go to bed. Spend the night coughing so much that you get next to no sleep. Get a big disposable glass for your husband since he is coughing till he barfs. You, on the other hand, are only coughing until the campfire in your chest starts to burn superhot and you taste blood.

Day Two: Wake up with your stomach roiling. Decide on today's agenda, which will be sleep, drink, and go to the bathroom. Lay down and start thinking about the origins of phrases that describe illness. Realize that you now know firsthand what many of them mean. Sicker than crap, you decide, is derived from your current symptoms. Since you are suffering from so much coughing and fever, you have no desire to eat. Feel like a genius when your feverish brain puts two and two together and comes up with this connection. Since you can't eat, your body will have nothing to expel. Sicker than crap! You are a genius! Go back to sleep.

Wake up and realize you may have received a prescription in the mail, and that you just don't care. Go back to sleep. Wake up at about ten p.m. feeling pukey. Know that you really need to take your nightly stops-blood-clots-and-therefore-reduces-chances-of heart-attack-or-stroke medicine. Hobble out to the kitchen and tear a bagel in half. Put the halves in bags for you and hubby to try and nibble on. Tear off about one quarter of bagel and eat it in teeny bites, swallow medicine, lay down and hope you won't barf. Try listening to a book to help you sleep. Finish all eight hours of it by morning. While listening to the book, curse the author for being too wordy and not getting to the point. Know that your brain will not permit you to switch to another story until this one is finished. 

Day Three: Start a different book at six a.m. Slip into three hours of sleep. Wake up wondering why you are wet from head to toe, and remember about fevers. Alternate between burning and freezing. Don't forget to cough! Take numerous ten-minute snoozes back to back. When evening arrives, realize you haven't had a meal in two days. Eat something. Sleep. Decide to watch some tv. Realize you can't hold your head up that long. Find that you are too weak and tired to even get mad about that. Go to bed. Sleep for as much as two or three hours at a time despite the coughing.

Day Four: Wake up with a gnawing sensation in your belly. Realize that it is hunger. Manage to eat a whole bagel before falling into another exhausted sleep. Wake up and shower. Actually put on clothes and check the mail. Order Chinese food delivery. Cooking would require a lot of energy and make you too tired to eat. Nibble at the food and realize it will probably last for a few meals. Nap. Get up and write a whiny, complaining blog post about being sick. Hope your readers will forgive you for it. Know that sickness really is suckness.