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Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse

I saw a headline the other day that said that maybe the reason zombies are so popular right now may be because a lot of people "feel dead inside." I don't know about that, but I do agree that zombies seem to be the current scary creature of choice. After all, we have rather emasculated the vampires with all of that glitter and whatnot. Twilight fans, calm down, I'm not hating.

The other day, one of my friends on Google Plus posted a graphic-novel type picture of zombies with this message on it: "QUICK! You are under attack by ZOMBIES! Grab the first thing to your left! What did you kill the zombies with?" Let me say right off that I have probably hit the saturation point with those cutesy "name a ____________ that does not contain the letter __" thingies. But this seemed a little different, so I opened up the comments to post, "My tv remote? But we've only had the tv for two months! Argh!" And that is when my not-so-well-hidden inner smart aleck broke through.

Someone observed that all that they had was a walnut, which caused me to advise them to carefully crack open the shell because the nutmeat looks kind of like a brain, and would distract the zombies. (For anyone wondering about why this matters, brains are the number-one food choice of zombies.) The recipient of this tidbit of advice picked up the ball and ran with it. He said that he would pretend to pull the walnut brain out of his ear, and thanked me for saving him. I responded that I was suddenly a hero in the Zombie Apocalypse, but would not let it go to my head. I would also try not to let any zombies go to my head. He returned the lifesaving favor by advising me to use the remote to turn on Seinfeld and keep the zombies busy for hours.

A young woman didn't respond to the advice, which I thought was brilliant, that I freely gave her. She said that all she had was a cookbook. Open up the cookbook to the recipes for cooking organ meats, I suggested. The pictures of preparing brains for cooking will act as foodporn during a zombie attack. Surprisingly enough, I got no response from her whatsoever. Perhaps she ignored my advice and ended up as a zombie appetizer. Oh well. You have to act quickly to survive.

I quit commenting and began to simply enjoy the fun everyone was having with their answers, some of which I want to share with you. Several people killed their zombies with their laptops. Given the choice, I'd rather have just used my tv remote, but you've got to admit that some laptops would be great for zombie fighting. Blammo, and another zombie head rolls off into the dust. Then there were the people who had only a water bottle, a napkin, or a cup of Dr. Pepper between them and the zombies' gnashing teeth. A 50-inch plasma tv was sacrificed to save the human race, as well as a few walls and lamps, and even a long sword. Some unsuspecting people sitting to the left of the zombie fighters, including a math teacher and a cute boy at school, unwittingly became pawns that enabled someone else to escape. Come to think of it, I had one or two math teachers I wouldn't have minded using for zombie fodder...

There were numerous other answers, and a lot of people just having a few minutes of fun. You may be thinking, "What's the point, Katrina?" I am sad you have to ask. The point was having a few minutes of all-out silly and creative fun. After all, it's not every day that someone tells you they managed to kill a zombie with a straw after they used their thumb to plug the other end. Or a paper plate. Or even a chocolate chip cookie. So be aware of your surroundings and you, too, might survive the Zombie Apocalypse.