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Saturday, July 25, 2015

The Break-up

Dear ________,

Sometimes people change and grow apart. Because they no longer agree on things like what is fun or what is important, they just can't get along with one another any more. Often they try to hold on to the relationship out of a sense of nostalgia. They try to hang in there in case the relationship returns to the way it was when it was the very best it could be. The stress of arranging time together and the potential arguments or long, uncomfortable silences bring a feeling of the deepest melancholy.

________, I think that this has happened to my relationship with you. When we first started to share time with one another, I enjoyed spending late nights staying awake with you. It was fun. The books and movies and television programs that we enjoyed together were delightful. I was young and healthy and shrugged off the worries, if any came to me, about managing to get through a day of school or work on such a short night of sleep. Those short nights meant nothing to me! I bounded out of bed in the mornings, ready to take on the world.

As time went on, though, I wasn't as excited for our times together. When I tried to get up and get going the morning after one of our late-night sessions, I wasn't as perky as I used to be. But I never said anything; I just tried to find ways to deal with the fatigue and lack of energy, thinking that they were a sign of weakness on my part. When I became so ill that I was in the hospital, you were my dedicated companion, and you remained so through the physically weak times after my illness was diagnosed. There were times that I gave you the energy I should have saved for the difficult days that were now the norm in my life. Even though I really needed rest and recuperation, I spent many nights hanging out with you instead.

We've seen a lot together, you and I, on many late nights. But my life has changed. Not only do I have a chronic illness to deal with - I am getting a bit older now. Between the two, I just can't recover from those late nights like I used to. A short night of sleep now turns into days of bone-deep exhaustion. I stumble through my days like a woman who is confused, who is totally lost. I don't possess sufficient energy to continue these adventures with you. And I feel such a great deal of guilt for the times that I am up and watching movies quietly, trying not to disturb my sleeping husband. And then I begin to envy his peaceful rest, ________, and resent you for cheating me out of mine.

So, Insomnia, I think it is time for us to part company. As the old saying goes, it's not you, it's me. Actually, who am I trying to fool? It is you. I just don't have the desire, strength, or energy to continue to have you in my life. I have given you so much of my time and gotten so little in return. And as my old Gram would probably say, it's better to be alone than in bad company. I wish I could say that I will miss you when you're gone. I'll read the books and watch the movies and television programs at a more decent hour, and enjoy them in more nurturing company. Or even alone. What are DVRs for anyway?  

Although I have had some good experiences while you were around, I know that I could also have had them without you. So whether you agree with me or not, I think it's time for us to live our lives without each other's company. Maybe you'll find someone who can appreciate you more than I can. I have to just say it right out loud. Insomnia, let's break up.