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Monday, June 20, 2016

Sometimes You Just Can't

I want to begin by apologizing for my long hiatus. As May wound down, I found myself feeling quite ill. My stomach was in a great deal of pain, and food just didn't seem to taste right. After taking a ten-day break from the antibiotics I use to control my rosacea, coupled with adding heartburn medicine to my routine, my stomach improved a great deal. But I didn't feel better. I was hurting all over and exhausted and headache-y and weak. As much as I hated to admit it, it seemed pretty certain that I was having a mild flare of my lupus. I hate to admit it because it feels like defeat. My body is out of my control and has betrayed me once again.

Now, this flare hasn't been dangerous to my health, but it certainly has had an impact. We have gone grocery shopping, for example, and I run out of energy quite quickly. I don't even have the strength to think of what we need to get other than the obvious one or two things whose absence has prompted us to go shopping. When Trent asks if we need to get x or y, I hear myself saying that we can come back and get it tomorrow, I just want to go home. I get home, exhausted, and bumble through the rest of my day, only to be plagued with insomnia. Well, crap.

So that's where The Lunatic has been lately. I have thought of writing but haven't been able to find the energy to do so. There are times when you can just ignore the fatigue and weakness and push though. Sometimes, even though the aches and tiredness may not be as bad as they've been in the past, you just can't fake your way through it. A mental and emotional fatigue sets in as well, and the head isn't strong enough to push the rest of the body into doing what it might normally be convinced to do. Sometimes you can manage it, and sometimes you just can't.

Being in that situation really bothers me. I feel like I have let myself and others down. I remember some of the bad episodes in the past, and get a bit depressed because I don't want to take a step backward. I also feel guilt at not being more productive. The worries feed one another and I fight feelings of failure. As the days pass by and become weeks, I wonder if I should quit writing. I ask Trent if I should stop and he asks me if I enjoy writing. He knows how I will answer. I love it. So I will keep on. Thanks for coming back to read after this long absence. It would be easy for you to say that you're done with me. But I'm really hoping that, like me trying to fight through my rough patch, you just can't.


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