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Monday, January 9, 2017

How to Open a Box

Having been around for a little while, I have learned many things. I have also not learned many things. Today I want to share a valuable lesson with you on how to open a box.

In order to open a box, you must first acquire one. Think of something that you would like to eat. Look at your phone's treasure trove of apps with store membership rewards and coupons and specials. Check your rebates app(s). Determine, through the use of these research venues, which store has the prize which you seek.

After loading any and all applicable coupons and rebates on your cellular device, arrive at the store and locate the product. Scan the shelves to find the closest-to-perfect match. Breakfast biscuits? Check. Ooh, chocolate? Check. Itty-bitty bite-sized morsels of yum so that you don't have to bite into them and send crumbs tumbling everywhere? Check. While waiting in line, resist the brightly colored packages of chocolates, candies, and beef jerkey. Ignore the gums and mints and Burt's Bees lip balm, and the tabloid headlines that scream at you with their bold print. Pay for your treasure (and your other groceries - you wouldn't drive to the market for just one thing, after all) and head home.

Curse your insanity as you lift your ridiculously heavy reuseable shopping bags onto your shoulders. Carry so much that it makes every muscle in the upper half of your body tremble, because you do not want to make a second trip out to the car. Take everything that requires refrigeration or freezing out of the bags, stow them away accordingly, and collapse onto your favorite sofa or chair for a few minutes of recovery. Heave a sigh and gather up your cellphone to take pictures of barcodes and your receipts because rebates are important. Go sit on the bed with your legs up just because it feels good.

Forget about your treasure until a day or two later. Smile as you recall that box full of cute little chocolate yumminess in individual-serving packets. Sit down with the box in your lap and see the upside-down instruction to gently lift the flap with your finger. Squeeze your finger under the end of the flap and realize there's enough glue there to build a model airplane big enough to hold small children, and strong enough to hold together while it flies. Notice the inadvertent gasps coming out of your mouth. You will not be defeated by a little cardboard box!

Slide you finger across the half-inch wide swath of glue as the lid reduces in thickness by half - that glue isn't moving for anybody, anytime. Holler as the glue slices your finger a little bit. Throw the box down, wash your hands, and find a bandage. You don't want blood from a chocolate injury all over the house. Return to the box and realize that you'll never be able to use the locking tab feature - the locking tab is very thin and the slot is covered with the killer glue. Decide that being careful is no longer necessary and just tear the other side of the lid to get into the box.

Nibble on your morsels of chocolate yumminess while emptying the box into a resealable and more finger-friendly container that is perfectly suitable for snacks. Remind yourself that the next time you buy these overpriced nuggets of yum you will just open the box with a knife or some scissors. Wait three months and repeat the process because you forgot all about that evil glue and its bloodlust. Sigh and swear to yourself it won't happen again. Until the next time.

A note from The Lunatic: No, I didn't cut myself. But when I was trying to open that box today, I could imagine that happening to some unsuspecting seeker of chocolate delight. And I did not tear the box lid open. But for a second there I really wanted to!


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