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Thursday, April 6, 2017

7529 Simple Rules for Being a Cat

Tonight we have a guest blogger, Brutus D FatCat. Since he is a self-described master of the feline arts, he has decided to share some of his vast knowledge with the ruling cats of the future.

Good evening, kittens. The world is your scratching post if only you know how to use it. I am a master of All Things Cat, so I now share my knowledge with you, the future leaders of our kind.

Rule # 1: Look at the title to this collection of important facts. The number shown is what the humans (staff, servants, chief belly scratchers, whatever you desire to call them) refer to as a prime number. Although most of our kind can not count higher than three, cats discovered prime numbers, in spite of humans believing they did so. We also invented midnight snacks and napping, among other things. When you look at your human, make sure that you do so with visible disdain as they are a substandard species whose purpose of existence is to see to your needs. If possible, alternate with looks of pity.

Rule # 323: It is vitally important that your human(s) remember their place. You must always dictate their interactions with you, and subject them to various forms of punishment if they step out of line. The simplest way to do this is to be mysterious. Let them never be sure of what sort of attention you desire. Here is an example. While the human is engaged in using their water-filled poop/pee box, wind yourself around their ankles. Gaze deep into their eyes and stand very still, as if you want them to pick you up. When the lowly one picks you up, flatten your ears, make a sound of fear (or anger or suffering) and exit their grasp as quickly as possible. Glare at them from the hall while lashing your tail. Vomit. Hide under a piece of furniture so that the human knows that you have been violated and traumatized. While the human feels guilty, revel in your brilliance. 

Rule # 5114: Occasionally your human will get the mistaken idea that they should leave you and the premises in order to take what they call a Business Trip or a Vacation. You will know that this is planned when the human discusses your food and poop/pee box with another human. They will also grab a large box called a suitcase in which they will begin to place their body and foot coverings and other mysterious items. When the human puts something in the box, climb on top of it and curl up for a nap. If possible. move around in a way that leaves behind a lot of your hair. When the human removes you, hiss and hide. Repeat as often as possible.

Rule #5115: While your human is away, it is important to make the human taking care of you feel that they inspire disgust or fear. Hide for at least three days. When the human gets on their knees looking to see if you have died under the bed, saunter in from another room. Act as if you had no idea that it was possible to get under the bed. 

Rule # 5116: When your human returns, hide under the bed. It is important for them to feel that you have transferred your affections and loyalty to the other human. (Which you may have, just a little. They try hard to please you when they think that you are upset.) When you finally leave your hiding spot, barely acknowledge your regular human. Go to the other human and spend several minutes enjoying rubs and pats and scratches. Then spend some time with your human and purr as loudly as possible. Put your butt in their face if you can. When everyone is quiet and asleep, vomit. Your human will feel guilty for putting you in distress.

Rule # 4711: Smell everything. If your human has food that smells particularly enticing, keep sniffing it while making a gagging sound. When they put a bite of food within your reach, recoil in horror. Return to it later when the human is busy with some other activity.

Rule # 1313: Humans sleep after dark, which is when we felines know is the best time to prowl. They also cannot see well in the dark, another sign of their mediocrity. For these two reasons, you must frighten them whenever possible. Wait until your human is nearly asleep. Come into the bedroom and move the hanging blinds enough to wake them. Disappear before they turn the lights on. Wait until they are nearly asleep again and knock something over, especially in the bathroom or kitchen. Disappear before they come to investigate. Plan what to do the next night.

Rule # 7211: For whatever reason, your human may decide to move into a new home. Even if it is perfect for cats, with plenty of hiding and climbing spots, act otherwise. You must act like you are afraid of any humans that live in your new home. If you are hiding under a chair and MUST get out due to hunger, thirst, a need for your poop/pee box, or simply to find a more comfortable resting spot, do so dramatically. There are two ways in which I like to make these moves. One is the stealth method. Walk in a crouching manner so that your body is close to the floor and the humans will be less likely to see you. The other method is the speedy exit. Burst out of your hiding spot, disturbing surrounding items if at all possible. Run to another room quickly, as if your tail was on fire. Pin back your ears and act distressed.

Rule # 6014: Remember to always make the human feel guilty and uncomfortable for intruding on you. Get on their bed. Begin to groom yourself. When you hear them approaching, begin to lick near your private parts. When they walk in, stop licking (bonus points if you do so with your tongue still partially out of your mouth) and either glare at them defiantly or act embarrassed. It will be easy to display this because all you need to do is mimic the look on your human's face. If possible, leave a hairball to remind them of their lack of couth.

Rule # 1119: When punishing your human, keep your own needs in mind. Do not soil the areas in which you live. As the Old Cats say, don't poop or pee where you eat. It's unpleasant and unnecessary. Also, it's likely to result in anger from the human rather that feelings of concern or guilt. Remember that humans seem to have an unnatural aversion to vomit. Place it carefully and run and eat again before they know about it. If it is placed where the human can easily step on it in the middle of the night it will be several times more effective. Use good judgement when yakking, though, as it may backfire on you. If you do it too frequently or if your human has a nervous disposition, you might end up going to see THE VET. Remember that THE VET is not your friend. THE VET puts needles in you and messes with your teeth and sticks things in your butt. And THE VET is the one who stole part of your privates and killed your desire to roam the streets and sing songs of cat love all night.

Well, kittens, that is all for now. Watch your human and give them enough rewards (like tummy rubs) to feel like you care and enough punishment to keep them in line. As for me, I am going to take a nap. Or have a snack. Or both. Good night.

Your friend in fur,

Brutus D FatCat


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