I seem to have become a fascinating subject for various members of the medical profession of late. After Doctor Mike threatened me with the dreaded colonoscopy, I finally caved in and did the home colon cancer test. If you've never done it before, it's like a game of Beat the Clock meets Let's be Kids Who Play With Poop. Not to be too graphic, it involves using the toidy and then racing to finish your paperwork before the you-know-what slips under the water. Ick.
Well, I dropped off the bio-hazard at the doctor's office, making sure Dr. Mike knew I had done my duty (see what I did there?) so that I wouldn't need to have the dreaded colonoscopy. Of course I failed the test, and the process toward the colonoscopy had begun.
I have never had a colonoscopy before, but Trent has, and I knew that preparing for one isn't the most fun you'll have all year. Maybe that's why I wasn't eager to make an appointment. But those pesky people got right in touch with me to schedule the procedure. Sigh. Once again, foiled by efficiency.
Let me say right here, for the record, and quite clearly, I wasn't afraid of the procedure itself. Heck, they give you some Valium-like medication to make the process much easier. It's the getting ready that stinks. It's the drinking glass after glass of laxative after not eating all day. And the griping pains and ickiness in the bathroom. And the vomiting. And then doing it again at four a.m. the day of the procedure. Seriously, there's got to be a better way. Like put me in the hospital, knock me out, clean me out, and then check me out. I know, what a whiner. Really, I was okay until the vomiting.
Luckily, the facility is close to home, so I managed the trip without losing my belly. Part of me was eager to meet the doctor, because his first name is Tamas, like my cousin. I figured he had to be Hungarian. Not only was he Hungarian, but born and raised not far from Budapest! Having some common ground to talk about lessened the stress quite a bit.
When I was wheeled into the procedure room, yet another person, the sedation nurse, quizzed me to make sure that I was of sound mind to make the decision to have the procedure. I knew that the doctor was at the foot of the bed even though I had taken off my glasses and couldn't see very well. I answered politely when asked my name and date of birth. When I was asked why I was here, my mouth, the smart-alecky one, blithely said (while I looked straight at the doctor whom I couldn't really see) that I was there because there was an alien who wanted to do some anal probing. Thank goodness they laughed, because you really don't want to irk someone who's about to put a camera up your backside.
When the nurse injected the happy juice, I said, "Oh, now that's nice!" And then someone said to give me more. I actually have one or two brief little memories of the procedure, but nothing traumatic, so don't let it scare you. And the worst thing post-procedure was the same as pre-procedure, vomiting. But there's a lovely injection for that. I went home feeling light and happy and delightful and wanting to sing and dance. I have apologized to my family and Brutus D. FatCat after coming down from this incredible high. They've been very forgiving because apparently I was quite entertaining.
It took a few days for the drugs to get out of my system, but I eventually got back to my version of normal. I received a phone call the other day telling me that the solitary polyp that was found, removed, and tested, would have become malignant eventually, but I'm clear of any problems. That was a great relief.
Do yourself a favor - if your doctor suggests a colonoscopy, please work up your courage and have one. Any discomfort is a small price to possibly save your life.
p.s. from The Lunatic: When I made my wisecracks about probing, my doctor started to mention some Hungarian scientists and I replied that I had heard that they went to Einstein to get someone to warn the US government about nuclear weapons development in Germany. The doctor then said that Einstein was once asked by reporters if he believed that any aliens had landed in the US. His reply was, "Yes. And they're both Hungarians!"
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